Sunday, May 30, 2010
Image courtesy of unprofound.
Today I've felt a bit stuck. Stuck with myself and the somewhat bitter thoughts that have jogged across my brain. I was hungry. So finally I ate. I was tired. So finally I slept. That grayish and muddy feeling of stuckness preserved in a triumphant haunting all the same. I hate that ghost. Mr. Fuck It. He's bad biddy.
This is the last week of my 1st college term in 5 years. I've done well. It looks like I'll get all A's. Perhaps all A's and one B but either way I proved to myself that I can do this. The "this" is school, sobriety, health, relationship. Life. As I prove what I can do I feel the forces of self sabotage trying to dance with me like a horny Navy soldier at the Rose Festival. It wants me to crawl into a hole and wilt. That won't happen. That song I no longer dance to.
It's hard you know? Forgive my public whine here but I can only assume anyone with a pulse has those moments where the beast, the monster, the evil angel whispers to them. My bet is it's worse for any & all types of addicts or whatever. Anyway today was just one of those days of feeling raw & numb at the same time. I hate it, but it will pass.
The poetry of my life is trying to break though. These poems I burn before they ever are written. I think that's part of my self induced suffering. It is good to feel this feeling at times. I think it's time to go write a poem.