Saturday, June 26, 2010

Nothing More Than Feelings


Right after Sydney's death both my spouse & I got the flu. I should call it by what I called it all week: The Fucking Flu. It really has sucked a shiny white puss filled cock this week to be grieving but too sick to really go through it. Then I remembered the recovery mantra "you're right where you're supposed to be" which I am happy-go-lucky enough to actually believe, so I guess now I realize the pain of losing Sydney was not meant to happen right away. My usual preference with most things is to get the shitty parts out of the way first. When I study I like to deal with the most difficult subject matter first. When I argue, I prefer to get to the real issue and ignore the more superfluous stuff. So it's no shock that with a death I'd rather get the grief out of the way too. Instead the Universe asked me to stay in bed (literally) all day Wednesday, most of Thursday and half of Friday whilst the other half was napping on the couch.

I posted this incredibly beautiful and somber video of the song Ready, Able by Grizzly Bear today because I think it is a perfect expression of how I feel mentally and physically this moment. It's okay to feel full of all kinds of things yet melting. It's okay to be in the woods and in space. It's okay to feel so much yet have an unexplainable emptiness way deep inside. I hardly know what to do next, how to spend this day, how to feel. And even this kind of moment is just a feeling and it will pass. And because of my affection for the melancholy, I know even in this, I can see its meaning & purpose.

Truth be told today is forlorn because it's a sunny day. The kind of day where I'd take the chihuahuas for a walk in their stroller around the park. Sydney would joyfully bark at every 65 pound dog that could easily eat her face off and then with tail wagging turn back to look at me as if to say "mama I told that one didn't I?" The summer just doesn't feel the same and I think it sucks.

Sooooo now here's the other thing on my mind. I'm so damn grateful for going through a week like this sober. Being sick and losing a pet may not be a big deal to some, but this is the kind of shit that years ago would make me want to take the "edge" off. For me the really big dramas were so exciting that I didn't need to get loaded until things eventually slowed, then I'd get drunk or high & re-live the fun. The life-on-life's terms hardships I couldn't get through without wanting to "soften" the view. Now I'm awake and here. Not alone and able to face the next moment even if I don't know how.

Speaking of next I guess I should take Miss Lucy out for a walk. Our walks may be different now but she & I can still have nice Saturday walks together. Here's a nice summer video with a bit of sadness, just like our family right now. Heartbeats by The Knife.

~F

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