Saturday, April 13, 2013

Busy not Blogging

Today I did a little virtual weeding.  Changed some things about this blog space including how it looks, deleting old links, and just you know, re-birthing it.  By my own criteria I would have deleted this blog if it was a link because I got rid of anything that hadn't had a fresh post in 4 months.

Truthfully I've been crazy busy.  And blogging is not what it used to be and I don't know what it is or even means to me now.  Being a lady blogger was not only a label I embraced but I loved the culture and feeling of community that blogging gave me.  Then Facebook and Twitter came and things here dried up.  And by the numbers of links I deleted today, it's clear I'm not the only one who has abandoned the e-ship of blogging.

Maybe now I can really just sound off without giving a shit, since really, no one reads these things much anymore.  No persona (and every writer/blogger has one) to be crafted, no worries about offending, no concerns about how I little I post.

I could just scrap this whole thing.  Get over myself a bit & just regulate things to the show-and-tell platform that is Facebook.  But I get myself in trouble there...a lot.  Friends have likened me to a bully, wing-nut, judgmental criticizer, bitch, troublemaker, and in general someone a little too passionate and too honest.  And though I've been "unfriended" a number of times I still open my pie hole and quite frankly I'm sick of myself there in that space as much as everyone else is.  But I love seeing photos of my nephews & nieces and friends kids and food pictures and news about Monsanto and how Obama is kind of the devil and seeing how farmers grow shit and reading jokes and memes and dear gawd that K-Mart commercial I would have never known about if it wasn't for FB!

So really I don't know what I'm doing here there or anywhere when it comes to having a place online to write things.  I know I'm a little co-dependent so in the back of my mind there's a hope that something I wrote actually makes things better for someone somewhere even if it's (quite) indirectly.  But injustice still fuels my anger and fear of helplessness.  This is in large part why I have been so busy.  I've been doing things...and for a while at that.  Things I've always done but more so and with more media recognition (which is weird).  I'm out there being told I'm an asshole from "important" people and it's great.  But then I watch my fingers as they shrink into themselves and have to stop being busy because my immunity gets the best of me and for a little while my body falls apart and I hurt and hurt and hurt.

Being with people, doing stuff, while in school, and shrinking is a tall order.  And other than my wife and sometimes my mom, no one has a clue what my life looks like and I get lonely.  But this ain't no pity party.

It feels good to risk the love of those I love to do what I've got to do.  Mistake are made, loved ones part, then I get to mourn and move forward catching stars and throwing them back into the air.  The powers that be made me more resilient than I ever understood until this year.  So I'll just keep on keeping on and pray for the wisdom to be the woman I'm meant to be, even when it breaks my heart over and over, because it's worth it.

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