Thursday, October 24, 2013

You Can't Polish a Turd

I've been working the 3rd step again.  Lately a developing theme has been our inability smash a problem with step work or recovery principles.  In the last couple weeks I've shared about this with sponsee's & in meetings from a position of knowing that trying to do so is in a way like trying to get high or get a quick fix from feeling bad.  Yet when it came to practicing this stuff with my fibromyalgia with week I got utterly lost.

Recently I found myself trying to 3rd step away feeling shitty from a flare.  There was such a sense of confusion and being lost because I couldn't figure out how to get Creator to make the pain & frustration go away.  I thought "if I can just turn this over I'll feel better."  The third step by the way is:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
It was almost as if I hoped some sort of internal click would happen by saying "hey God, this is yours."  Yet the click never came and I felt both physically crappy and emotionally overloaded.  Finally I called a program friend who also has chronic illness.  Of course the irony here is that by calling someone about this I was demonstrating the willingness the 3rd step requires to decide to believe that Creator can help.  More than anything I just needed to tell someone how powerless I felt.  My friend helped me realize I was looking for a quick way out of feeling frustrated about this flare.  Acceptance she noted was key here.  My attempts to beat down the illness and feelings around it with the 3rd step was making things worse.

So instead of trying to force some internal click by telling Creator over and over that I'm giving this flare to it, I can practice this step by accepting that just for today I feel crappy, and that I'll make it through.  And that just for today I feel frustrated about it, and will make it through that as well.  A successful practice of this step doesn't mean feeling good.  Instead it means we become able to live with whatever is there, aware but also willing to just feel crappy and see what happens.  Strong unpleasant feelings whether physical and/or emotional are like turds we can't polish away with step work or other devices.  Yet the steps in action do help us to have a deeper understanding of those feelings while experiencing life as our vulnerable human selves.  Just for today, fibro flare or not, I will be okay.

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1 comment:

Amy Clifton said...

Hope you are finding ways to treat yourself well today. <3